Thursday, September 4, 2008

Cause I'm real...

I AM...

...a girl who loves her family
...a girl who cares for others
...a girl who seems to have lost a huge part of who she is
...a girl who DOES think of others (even though some think otherwise)
...a girl who loves to be around those who make her feel good
...a girl who adores children (which is why she teaches)
...a girl who enjoys lighting vanilla scented candles or The Body Shop White Musk scented oils
just to relax
...a girl who loves to sit alone in the dark with just enough light shining through her window (and sometimes just the flickering light of the TV
...a girl who loves to meet new people (but now knows that she doesn't have to change who she is to make them like her
...a girl who values TRUE friendship (because I know that in return real friendships make a difference in life)
...a girl who is BLESSED with such wonderful people around her
...a girl who is so lucky to have such wonderful friends and supportive family members (you know who you are)
...a girl who appreciates a simple 'Thank-you', squeeze on the shoulder, pat on the back, unexpected e-mail (personal ones), unexpected 'just thinking ofyou' hug/letter/text or call
...a girl who enjoys the company of those who don't mock her every chance they get
...a girl who hates racism, prejudism (and for all those I have made smart-ass jokes about
...I apologize immensely)
...a girl who hates when people comment on how someone's appearance is because I hate it when people comment about me (I'm also very sorry for the one-offs that I talk about)
...a girl who finds it difficult to know/see someone who is suffering (physical, social, emotional,spiritual...)
...a girl who loves her little brother very much and wishes that some of her family members would learn to appreciate him rather than always put him down
...a girl who loves her family very much but probably doesn't tell them enough
...a girl who thinks hugs, kisses and cuddles are three of the greatest things in the world!
...a girl who finds simple things in life to be rewarding
...a girl who wishes she could touch base with everyone on a much more regular basis
...a girl who thinks that she doesn't need to be materialistic to survive (especially in Hong Kong)
...a girl who isn't a trend-setter
...a girl who doesn't CARE to be a trend-setter
...a girl who DOES love to laugh (and those who REALLY know me will understand that)
...a girl who really enjoys her heart to heart talks (Uncle Ken, Aunty Jamie--I still remember our heart to heart, it's put a lot of things into perspective for me)
...a girl who wants to make a difference in her little corner of this world
...a girl who misses Canada but knows that those who have always been there for her will still be there when she returns


...feeling manipulated or lied to
...feeling as if I have to PLEASE everyone (Uncle Ken says I don't have to and Ry most recently reiterated this point by being the first person back home to remind me to take off my welcome mat for all!)
...those who use the silent treatment as their tactic to show me that they aren't impressed with something I have said or done
...those who see me as easily manipulated and make me feel like crap every second they get a chance to (intentionally or unintentionally)
...those who get angry at me because they can't get their way
...those who can't be straight up about not wanting to do something or go somewhere
...those who use other people as excuses because they can't be straight up about what they want
...those who get annoyed with the way I am without really asking me whats really going on
...those who do ask me what I'm really thinking but can't understand when I don't want to express myself to them or talk about whats bothering me
...those who judge me before getting to know me
...those who pick out my faults and use them against me
...those who fault me because I spend money on others but live a simplistic life
...those who expect me to be expressive and vocal about what I want but when I do voice my opinion and it's not what they want to hear
...they get upset or pissed off!
...those who find it necessary to list my faults/differences to others (be it a stranger or an acquiantance) without having addressed the issue with me one on one
...those who constantly tell me that I am RICH because I was hired as a Native English Teacher (and of course the assumption is that they pay us lots to be in HK)---you know for me, its not all about money...sometimes its about doing what you love wherever you can--whats wrong with that?

I am human...what you see if what you get...take it or leave it...

**So, I remember writing this specific message originally 3 years ago as I wanted to get everything off my chest before turning over a new leaf. This happened only a few days before my birthday. I was feeling glum, beat down, bent out of shape and really needed to weed out alot of emotions and people out of my life.

Those who had always stuck by me read it and were really supportive. I remember sending it out to just about everyone who had touched my heart or had broken it (intentionally or unintentionally at one point in my life)--I was getting messages from people who read this piece and viewed it as a stepping stone to tell me how they really felt about me (good or bad)--I learned alot about the people who surrounded me and I managed to save some of those relationships that probably would have gone sour if I hadn't spoke up for myself.

Jane, Claire, Jamie, Anna, Mary, Jenner, Em, G, Moni and a few others were first to reply with support...and of course concern. I was really happy to hear that people were ACTUALLY listening to me rather than just brushing it off as a load of b-s. For this I want to once again thank you for your continued love and support. Of course not everything was all 'Peaches and Cream'---alot of people also took offense to my message and we mutually decided to part ways. I guess once you've learned all that you need to from someone you have to move on with your life...but you never know if they will reappear later on down the line. To those people, good or bad, I thank-you for the things you have taught me.I know we all go through ups and downs in our lives... and I think its important to always be honest and open with those you respect the most.I find myself turning to this message I wrote years ago in order to hopefully regain some perspective on the way I've been feeling in the past couple of weeks. Hopefully by reposting this message I will once again be able to turn over a new leaf and remind those who I hold close to my heart that their love and support still mean just the same as it did back then. Thank-you for taking time to read this (and for some thanx for revisiting it...again!)