Tuesday, February 3, 2009

'Men are from Mars Women are from Venus' & 'He's Just not that into you'

What do I hope to get out of posting this note?

One word: CLARITY!You see, something happened this past week between an individual and myself that shook me HARD emotionally. It wasn't until I came to the harsh realization that I may possibly lose out on getting to know this amazing individual whom I respect, admire, trust and appreciate so much, that I began to REALLY start thinking about why I've been running around relationship after relationship faltering and not understanding the cause of it all. I KNOW that I am easy-going, friendly and independant, and I also know that those who know me well do see me as the 'happy-go-lucky gal' who would give up everything she has just to see others out there smile. My instincts are often to help those who I see with 'sad eyes', a 'heavy heart' or stressed. I would gladly sacrifice my own happiness to see that someone else is taken care of.Well, after reading these two books this weekend, I realized how this 'act of kindess' can be easily misinterpreted as degrading to one's self-worth especially when that individual hasn't asked for my advice or help...and I have since QUICKLY come to the realization that good intentions sometimes are better kept bottled in than expressed.I hope that this individual will someday soon forgive my 'womanly' instincts to have reacted the way I did and with my new-found outlook, will want to continue to get to know me better. As I think so highly of this individual, I hope he sees this note as a stepping stone to my new found understanding on how to communicate better..As Greg Behrendt says (all I can do now is ) "Have faith. What other choice is there?"

A summary of "Men are from mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray

-"When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom"
- "A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results"
- "To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own"
- "A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships"
-"Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to 'help' a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him"
-"When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach"
"- Men who are stressed will withdraw into 'the cave' of his mind and focus on problem solving"
-" Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems"
-"Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed, Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished"
-" Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways."

"A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love
- she doesn't have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it."
-"A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent"
-" Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving"
-" When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer"
-" A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy"-" A man who grows to understand his own cycles will reassure her that when he pulls away he will be back"
-" Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that once he has met all a woman's primary love needs, she feels happy and secure, and that she whould know from then on that she is loved"
-"The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him"

A summary of ‘He’s just not that into you’- The No-excuse Truth for understanding guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucciollo

.- An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of ‘ruining the friendship’
- Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking
-If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will
-Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason
- Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone
- You are good enough to be asked out!
- If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind
- lf he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize thathe’s okay with disappointing you.
- Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re doing to do
-If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
- “Busy” is another word for “asshole”. “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating.- You deserve a fucking phone call
- Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means, “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.)
-Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
-If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s ok to pull over and ask.-Murky? Not good.
-There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.
-Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better. Call a spade a spade, or more fittingly, a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that can’t keep his hands off you.
-You lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly
-If you’re tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy
-Cut him off. Let him miss you.-He doesn’t need to be reminded that you’re great-‘Classy’ doesn’t “break into his answering machine”
-There’s a guy out there who’s going to be really happy that you didn’t get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
- He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.
-No answer is your answer
-Don’t give him the chance to reject you again
-Let his mother yell at him. You’re too busy
-There’s no mystery—he’s gone and he wasn’t good enough for you
-You are not easily forgotten. Let him find you when he’s ready
- Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with
-You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to be nice to them, too)
-There’s never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger
-You already have one asshole. You don’t need another
-Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve
-Have faith. What other choice is there?

I found some of these ’truths’ quite a read, especially as some of it conflicts with how to communicate according to “Men are from mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. What if one acts a certain way because they are seriously trying to just deal with their own life issues...do you write them off as uninterested?I wonder what others who have read either books have to say...If you have any other books you would recommend, please leave me a message.


Dav DiDi said...

If he is urs, he is urs.. if not, no matter what, it's not .. :)

mon said...

hey dolo, i love this entry, love all those points, i totally believe in all those things too!!!

Dorothy L said...

Hey girl...
The bottom line is to accept each other with equal respect.
Being happy with who you are is essential to being able to be happy with another.
It is also vital to not treat your partner as you want to treat him/her rather treat them as they want to be treated.
So many of us miss that point and it does tear apart some very good relationships.
Excellent choices of books by the way :)

I have read them and many more!
Have a very nice day!

MelT said...

You are right if there is not a balance of trust and respect, there is NO relationship. Why is it so hard for men to let a woman they LOVE into their life.